Curse psychology, I should be on Broadway! New York was unreal...totally overwhelming. Its just like the movies...the traffic is gridlock all the time, 90% of the cars on the road at any given time are cabs (and they're all honking), the cops are totally like they are in Law and Order..hehe. It was amazing. We saw a Broadway musical and I was just in my own little world of happiness the whole time... I felt really good there...which is weird for me...usually I get homesick pretty quick, or I dont adjust very well, but New York was very natural. Thats somewhere I'd love to live. I'm really actually considering it as a possibility....once school is done (at least dougie, i could transfer to NYU after..i already checked...hehe) i could pull it off. On the last day I went off on my own for a bit and took the subway into Harlem and Queens and Brooklyn to compare the housing situations...hahahahaha...I know...but something in me just seemed so at home there. Brooklyn or Queens would be doable.....it wouldn't be anymore then getting an apartment close to Vancouver. The cost of living is more there, but the rate of pay is also a lot higher. They have toooons of mental health facilities too that I could look into working at...:) I dont know....its a fun thought!

Finally losing some weight....I stopped taking all my digestive supplements that my doc said i should take...now suddenly my tummy doesn't hurt and my digestive system is actually working...figures. Back down to 133. Getting there. Today is my first day back at work in a week...uggh...hehe, its so slow. I took two 12 hr shifts (today and tommorow) to catch up on some hours that i missed...sort of regreting that decision...haha. Oh well. Anyways, I have to pee...i'll probably write more later...

Current Mood: bouncy

New York here I come!!

I leave on Wednesday! Yay! So excited :) My geo final is tommorow, so it'll be a nice treat at the end of a crap-tastic course. Haha. Something to look forward to.

Things otherwise are alright. Still in hiding for the most part. I get to hermit-ish when I'm down. Its so bad. I'm going to see Darcie tonight, I'm forcing myself to talk. I think it'll be good for me....even though I have major anxiety about doing it. Hehe. I talk to Ashana about stuff a little, but she doesn't know about the eating disorder, and I think all in all it all boils down to that. I just hate myself on the outside, and although I feel okayish on the inside I know that I'm not. I know that I'm struggling to keep my head above surface, but I'm only barely making it. And it manifests itslef in something I can control. Food. Although its not like I'm controlling that so well right now. The past week has been good....very strict, very healthy diet (1200 cals, amazing for me) and I've felt a lot better. But, just when things get better I do something dumb. Ashana is really into weight loss stuff, and although she has no eating disorder she's addicted to weight loss pills of all kinds. And me, being dumb, tried this one pill she uses primarily for energy. WOW. Curbed my appetite like NO OTHER. Its ephedra based, so as you can imagine, I just felt FANTASTIC. And now....I take them everyday. Sigh. But its not like its all that bad...just....probably should't be doing that if i'm trying to be healthy.

Stephen and I did the officialy stuff exchange. Yikes. He can't deal with this at all....everytime we talk he loses it and goes right back into what a great guy he is and what a stupid girl i am...then goes back and fourth from i hate you youre a bitch to I'm sorry I love you lets be friends...its very bipolar. Haha. I know that its hard, and I dont blame him for how he feels ,but at the same time I need to separate myself from it so we dont really talk anymore. And I realize now that he was really just a distraction. Trying to get over Zach, then over Chris.....both of which i cared about a lot and didnt end well....and also a distraction from how i am feeling about myself. SIgh. I'm such a mess. lol. Whatever.

Yay! Summer!

I feel good today...i thought for sure I was going to fail my geo lab test today on topographic mapping, but low and behold I knew it all. AHH!! :) I was sooooo happy. I also suddenly feel inspired to get back on my diet plan. I was being silly, and not taking very good care of myself lately but now, for whatever reason, I feel like I am ready to get back. Maybe 'cause its sunny and I'm much more inclined to go for a run outside now.,..haha.

As for everything else...I'm just kinda suspended in mid air right now. Stephen and I aren't talking really anymore. He got really upset when I told him that I couldn't continue the relationship...and angry....really angry...sigh. Whatever. I need to take care of myself now, and I can't keep taking care of everyone else. I'm leaving for New York so soon!! I can't wait. And it looks like Vegas with Ashana is going through too!! Yay!! I talked to Chris' mum the other day....sounds like he's doing a lot better. I'm glad...as much as that whole situation sucked, I did care about the boy and I'm glad to hear that things are looking up for him. Over the weekend i finally packed up all of zach's stuff and put it away...including the jewelery, the stuffed animals...everything. That was harder then i had thought it would be but it did feel like i was making a step in the right direction. It feels weird not wearing his ring and necklace, but in a way it makes me feel lighter. :)

Darcie's been blowing me off a lot lately...twice just last week. WE made plans for wed, and then she took a shift at work and didn't tell me...then we switched to saturday and I called at 3 to make plans and left her a message, but she never called me. SIgh. I dunno....maybe she's doing it to get back at me.... maybe she's mad about something...i dont know. But its kind of sad. Hmph.

ANyhoo, i'm off! Yay!

Current Mood: cheerful

Okay. No more being stupid. No more pushing things aside and not dealing with them. No more pretending. No more trying to protect myself from how I really feel.

I broke up with Stephen. He's wonderful, really great guy. But. But but but. I'm not over Zach. I never let myself truly let go of that relationship and I never fully let myself feel those feelings. I rushed myself into a really horrible relationship with Chris (which I've also come to see that I'm not nearly emotionally recovered from) and then into another relationship directly after. It was very hard, but I know that I'm not nearly ready for something else right now. I need to allow myself to heal. I realize now that Zach was it for me, he was the one that I thought I was going to be with forever and now that he's not in my life I dont have my rock, my anchor, and I'm flying all over the place. I try telling myself that I'm over it all, and that I dont love him the way I did and that it doesn't hurt like hell that he isn't in my life......but thats not how I feel underneath it all. I'm through lying to myself. I love Zach. I always have and I always will.....I just need to help myself continue with my life now rather then dwelling. No good will come from me telling him how I feel, no good will come from me acting on it in any way. I know that. And thats not nesessarily what I want. I just need to be by myself for a while I think.

I'm going to New York pretty soon. I'm very excited about that. SOmething good to look forward to!! I'm also going to Las Vegas for my birthday with Ashana. Veeeeeery excited about that one!! It'll be great to have a girls getaway! My tummy is getting a little better...turns out that I'm also allergic to soy (#$%^@!!!) so after much alteration to my daily diet I'm starting to feel a little better. Just that my food selection is now very limited. Which makes staying on a healthy diet plan pretty hard. But i'm trying. Thats all you can do right? I went to see my specialist for my other problem last week.... I had a pretty major treatment done and it appears to have helped quite a bit. Fingers crossed. As much as it makes me happy that its working, I really dont wanna go through that again!!

School is going well.... I'm doing SOOOO much better this time in geology then the first. I think I have close to 90% in the class right now. Although we just started maps, so things could go downhill now hehe. Hope not. I'm going to go to an art show this week with my friend Ryan and his co-worker. Kind of looking forward to that, I haven't been to a real art show before. I went out for dinner with him last night to this super cool veggie retaurant, sooooooooooooo yummy!!!! I ate sooooooooooo much!! Haha!! I'll have to take Darcie there...she'd like it.

Anyhoo, back to work I go. :)

Current Mood: content

Fuck.

I feel like complete GARBAGE. Happiness doesn't last in my world it seems.

My health is horrible. I dont even know what to say about it. My problem has gotten increasingly worse, my weight is up at 140, my stomache hurts on a daily basis due to all my new food allergies...... I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm also getting sick on a regular basis now because of the big problem, so i'm sitting here at work trying desperatly not to vomit. Sigh. This fucking sucks. I'm putting myself back on a very strict diet in order to lower my weight and hopefully alleviate the allegy symptoms. I want my 130 back. I want my fucking health back.

Stephen...well.... he's great, but I'm getting concerned. I can see things in him that i recognize as warning signs that i got from Chris. He's insecure due to the shit life he's had, and its starting to really take a toll on me. I can't be responsible for someones happiness right now, i have so much of my own crap to deal with. And i'm begining to feel like thats what he needs; someone to MAKE him happy. I care about him, a lot....but I can't take that on right now. I dont know. I dont want to lose him, but I know that I can't compermise myself right now. :(

Work is okay...school is intense, but okay...sigh. Darcie, sigh, i dont know. I'm starting to think that maybe she and I need a break too. We're not seeing eye to eye right now. I almost feel like I need to hermit myself for a little while and get everything back in order. I'm getting so depressed. :( I'm going to Ashana's boyfriend's b day party tonight with Stephen, but as much as I've been looking forward to it, I just dont feel liek going anywehre. Ugh.

Current Mood: depressed

Ahhh, I'm horrible.

I haven't written in a while. Bad girl. :( But really, life is getting sooo much better. FINALLY. Work is getting better..I had a confrontation with Deb finally and now she's actually pulling her weight (amazing, i know) and I'm not near as stressed. I started school again at Dougie, the class isn't my favorite, but I'm happy with it. I'm going to Calgary and New York soon.... Stephen is amazing.... :)

The only crappy thing lately is that I had ANOTHER medical issue. I started gaining ridiculous ammounts of weight really really fast even though i was eating very little and at the gym everyday. My stomache hurt soooooo bad and none of my clothes fit. I thought maybe it was because i had switched birth control, but as it turns out I'm allergic to dairy and flour. Great. I'm finally getting back down to my normal size ( I went all the way up to 140, i'm usually 128) and I feel so much better. Sigh. The other medical issue is stable right now. Totally happy about that. I saw my speicalist last monday and things are looking decent...no change really, which is better then it getting worse so i'm happy. Stepehn drove all the way out here from Langely to drive me to the appointment and take me back to work. What a sweetheart :) He was worried that with all my other medical stuff going on that something might be due to that so he wanted to be there with me. Swoon!

I took Stephen to meet my daddy on the weekend. My dad and him got a long SOOOO well, he even got along with Lauren!!! I couldn't be happier with him...he just keep getting better. I called Zach the other week to see if i could get my geo text back from him so I wouldn't have to buy it again, but that was a bust. Not only did he not call me back (he texted me, which is more then i expected but still...) but i didn't get the book. He doesn't seem like the same person, he seems like a bit of an ass now..but I guess he chooses how he acts, and if thats what he wants, then thats what he wants. Its just sad that after all the time we spent together he didn't even want to know how I was.... Oh well. I'll always love him, but I'll never love him again they way I did. I LOVE that Stepehn is bigger then me....Its so much fun to be picked and up and carried around. haha! Especially during certain activities....hehehe.

Anyhoo, just wanted to write a quick update, I got to get back to work.

Current Mood: bouncy

I am so happy.

Things are just going so perfectly right now. Well, actually, really they aren't so fantastic but I feel like I'm dealing with things much better lately then i have been. I got everything going with Douglas again....they wern't going to let me register in the classes I need to finish the degree, but I convinced them that because I am doing soooo well at VCC ( all A's) that they dont need to be concerned about my academic commitment. Sooo, they let me do it :) Yay! The interview for my job is tommorow, super excited about that. Work is tollerable, but I think thats mostly because I know that I'll be out of here soon.

Stephen is just getting better and better. I have such a good feeling about him...:) He and I went to see theatre sports on friday (after we cooked dinner for my mum) and just had a blast. It seems like no matter what we're actually doing it turns out to be super fun. He told me he loves me..... SWOON! Down on the pier at White Rock, just as the sun was setting....it was ridiculously romatic...I cried. Hehe. I'm such a softie. But it was just a perfect moment. :) Yesterday I went out there and we took his puppies for a nice long walk (it was GORGEOUS outside, instant mood-lifter). He's got a yellow lab and a husky (probably already mentioned that, but oh well, hehe) and they are just the cutest things ever. Kind of make me miss Charlie (Zach's dog), but there's always room in my heart for more puppies!!! I ususlly walk Dignan (lab) because he's a little better behaved...hehe, Remy (husky) likes to run after EVERYTHING...so I let Stephen take him.

Darcie and I went out on Saturday to watch the hockey game, then out to the Mirage with her cousins. It was kind of a last minute descion, and honestly, I really was not in the mood for it, but I figured I'd go since she and I dont see eachother hardly ever. It sucked. I really dont like clubs anymore...the atmosphere and stuff is just gross. I dont want slobbering drunk guys hanging all over me all night. Ugh. SO, i decided I would stop drinking and be able to drive home because otherwise I'd have been out all bloody night. Hehe. Well, on the way home, Darcie and I started talking about our relationship over the past while and since she was very drunk, she let it all out. She's pretty pissed that I haven't been coming to her with all of my stuff and 'cutting her off'...which i understand, but it was hard to actually talk about anything because she was drunk....it made me upset though. It's hard to explain that shutting myself off from people is my coping mechanism as bad as it is. I dont want to be like that, but I dont know how. Sigh. Hopefully we'll have a chance to actually talk up in whistler.

I'm going to change my pill tonight. I'm getting cramps and stuff now too...so I'm assuming this just isn't the right pill for me. Hopefully the extra weight will come off too. I gave up on going to the gym every day and burning off 600 cal per visit because all it was doing was exhausting me...i haven't lost an ounce. Pisses me right the hell off. SO I'm being super careful about what i'm eating in hopes that I can at least maintain it until I switch pills.

Current Mood: cheerful

Hehe, I'm in a pretty good mood :)

I got a second interview for that Counselling firm downtown. Its this coming tuesday morning. YAY!! I'm so happy, so excited...not only would it get me out of this hell hole, but its the type of job that can lead into a career, and its exactly what I'm going to school for. Fingers crossed!

I dont think things could possibly be any better with Stephen. I couldn't be happier...unless maybe he lived a little closer..hehe. He is so understanding, he can find ways to relate to everything I've been through, even if he hasn't experianced it before, and he makes me feel like there's nothing that I can't tell him. He's also very perseptive....he asked me about my eating...which kind of suprised me because I'm VERY VERY good at hiding it, and everytime we've eaten together I've been extremely good at being normal (thats sad, hehe), but I guess he can pick up on the little things. I told him everything. I was going to just brush it off as something I've dealt with in the past but I'm okay now, but I didn't. He was so supportive...but he wasn't afraid to tell me how unhealthy it is and all the bad things acossiated with it, which is something Chris never did. He didn't want to deal with the fact that i had it, he just enabled me to keep it up. I dont think Stephen will be that way....but you know, I dont mind...maybe thats what I need. Knowing that he think's I'm beautiful like this is very empowering hehe.

On the topic of eating though, I've recently switch birth control pills and i've put on 5 lbs. Fuck. I'm now 135. I've been super careful about what I'm eating, and been to the gym EVERYDAY since I stepped on the scale at 135, and nothing's changed really. I'm down to 134 now, but I mean, for the ammount of work i've been doing it should be much less. Sigh. I might look at changing the pills again, I dont like that at all.

I booked our trip!!! Darcie and I are headed up to Whistler for our annual girls getaway. SHould be super fun....he sister is coming and a few of our other girlfriends..there will be 5 of us up there. Can't wait!!! We're going to get spa treatments ( darcie wants a mud bath....haha) and go snow tubing and we've got dinner gift cards for some fancy restaurant up there...lots of alcohol too i'm sure. Haha. I haven't had a drink in a while....actually, thats not true....on Easter I had wine at dinner and I guess since I hadn't had a drink in a while it crept up on my pretty quick. Stephen got a kick out of it. I'm really looking forward to the trip though, much needed time away.

I am sooooooooooo tired. I swear, i need a full day to just lounge in bed and sleep. But everytime I have a day that could be used for that there's so much else I want to do. Hehe. I mean, who wants to be in bed all day when you could be with your amazingly fantastic boyfriend? Unless he's in bed with you....mwahahahaha :)

Current Mood: cheerful

Things are a-changin'!

Stephen is amazing. I wake up every morning and litterally thank whatever higher power is responsible for sending him to me. He came over for easter, and just got a long so well with my family. Even Derek. And Derek is usually so sceptical and judgmental when it comes to guys. Stephen and Derek got along great, talked and talked....sigh. I dont know if I deserve this kind of guy...he's the type that so hard to find, the real type....what if he desides that I'm not good enough? What if he finds out that I'm just plain....that I have issues....that i'm not good enough, or something horrible? Yup....I definatly like him a lot, I'm turning crazy. Haha. I do really like him...I reeeeallly like him. I just keep praying that he wont hurt me too.

I've gone back to my natural blond. I dunno why, just an impulse I guess. Stephen's jaw dopped....guess he likes blonds..hehe. Other then that, I have activly looking for a new job. I had an intereview for a large counselling firm downtown this week that went really well, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Deb's just gone right off the deep end...I cant stand to be around her at all. I have to get out of here. Sigh.

The eating thing is getting bad again. I dont know what to do. I'm so all over the map with it. Like, i'll go down to 125lbs, then suddenly i'll just eat like crazy and gain 10 lbs (yes, i went right up to 130), now i'm stable at 131, but I HATE IT. I feel HUGE. I know that the differance between 131 and 129 is nothing...and complelty un-noticable, but it still drives me crazy. And the worst part is for whatever reason I want chocolate like its going out of style, hehe. Oh dear...

Current Mood: crazy

What is going on???

Stephen and I hung out again last week. It was a beautiful day out, so we drove around until we found this big huge open field of perfect green grass and went and ran around. I dont get it. Any other guy would've thought I was nuts when I pulled over and got out of the car and bolted for the grass, but he asked no questions. In fact, he initiated rolling races down the hill. We played tag and Marco Polo and then layed on our backs and made shapes out of the clouds in the sky. It was amazingly romantic. I brought him over on Sunday to meet my mum. I know that I have a very bad track record, and I accept full responsibility for making some pretty blind choices in the past. My mum has the most amazing ability to read people, and she is really good at sizing up someone's character, so i wanted her opinion before I went any further with him. She knew Chris would turn out to be sketchy from the very first time she met him, so i trust her opinion now! The night went perfectly. He came over for dinner, had excellent conversation with my mum and brother, did the dishes with my mum (brownie points) and it just blew me away. When he left the room for a minute, my mum came over and gave me a big hug and said "You've found him". Now I can't stop thinking about him. His eyes make me shiver and his hands on my skin make my heart beat a million miles a second. I dont know how this happened. Maybe things with Chris got so extreme to force me out so I was ready for something better. I'm not sure. I dont want to get my heart broken either though. I'm glad that we dont live close to eachother because that will force us to take things slow, seeing as its a big treck to get out to see him (he lives in the same general area as Zach did) and we both work a lot, so we'll only really see eachother once or twice a week until things slow down. I'm going to see him tommorow when I'm done here, and I'm so looking forward to it. It makes my 12 hour shift alone today seem like nothing :)

I'm still trying to find a new job. Deb hired a new girl yesterday that i tried to talk her out of...I dont think she's right at all, too young, too inexperianced, but Deb didn't care. Sigh. I have to get out of here. I'm applying to 911..hehe..how exciting would that be? The rehab center out where my dad lives is hiring pt staff too, and they dont require experiance (GREAT opprotunity), only thing is that would be YEARS away from Stephen, it would take me about 3 hours to get to see him. I dont know... I also have to wait and see what my summer school schedule looks like. AND i'm going away for two weeks...hehe. I may have to wait until I come back from that which will mean I'll be stuck here until July. We'll see.

I've started going to the gym 5 days a week. I am feeling SO much better. I think its helping to strengthen everything...immunity included. Thank goodness. The new treatment the speicalist gave me a few weeks ago is working soooo much better. I am SO SO happy....I think the stress of radiation would've really taken a toll on me. We aren't in the clear yet, but things are looking up and really, thats all that matters.

I saw Dylan's little brother last night at the gym...it was really funny. He didn't recognize me for quite a while, even though I was on the treadmill right next to him. Since he last saw me, I changed my hair from blonde to dark and lost about 35 LBS, so I guess its understandable. When he did finally realize who I was, he did a double take and said "Holy shit, you've changed!!" Hehe. I over heard him on his cell later with Dylan saying "Dionne's here, she got hot!" hahahahahaha. Made my night. Especially since Dylan is not my favorite person.

Anyways, thats all for now. :)

Current Mood: chipper

I caved.

I couldn't resist. He was just so refreshing, so nice and normal.. I think I was just hoping for some kind of companionship, just someone to hang out with. But I mean, really, I should've (and probably did, but didn't want to) known that it wouldn't end up that way. We had such a nice night... mini golf, a movie, dinner....amazing conversation, I laughed so hard my face hurt. I felt so open with him, normally I'm very guarded and dont reveal anything about my real self on a first date but not this time. I told him about my dreams to be a fmaily counsellor, about my parents, about Chris and that whole situation, about the disease I have (not the anorexia, that I dont want to reveal if I dont have to)...and vice versa, he told me so much about his family (and not just superficial stuff, deep, heart-wrentching stuff). It was nice to be so candid with someone. And the part that really got me was how we could just sit there in silence in the middle of a super crowded noisy Tim Hortons and stare into eachother's eyes and be complelety silent, and comfortable. So he called me yesterday, and we hung out again. Went to get tea (he drinks green tea. He just keeps getting better) and drove out to the beach for a walk since it was GORGEOUS out yesterday. Again, amazing conversation. I can't even describe it to justice, I have never felt so open with anyone so quick...he and I get eachother, we have the same energy, the same thought process. Its so satisfying to talk to him because not only does he understand how i'm thinking but he can respond with something equally provoking. And when he kissed me....i didn't care that I stepped into the ocean, didn't care that i dropped my tea all over my pants, all I could hear was my heart beating double time ringing in my ears. Sigh. He knows how I feel right now with everything that has happened and has left me in complete control...he told me to take the time I need, the space I need and that whatever he can do to help me along the way to let him know. He's....just....wow. But taking it slow would be an understatment, I want to know that he isn't psycho...hehe. Though, he does give me hope that all men aren't self-absorbed, controlling assholes. :)

I am not looking forward to Saturday. I have to go downtown with Deb all day for advanced training (which I have done THREE times). Ugh. Its a completly humiliating experiance...they make you come up to the front of this HUGE room full of other employees (about 60-70 people) and do a consult on one of the corp training executives. Then, they pick you apart, tell you everything you are doing bad (not in a nice way either) and send you back. No encouragement. No constructive critisism. Blatent humiliation. Can't wait. Buuuut, on the other hand, with Easter coming I will have lots of time off, paid....so I guess I cant really complain.

Current Mood: mellow

I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders. Since I made the break from Chris, I have felt so relieved. Its crazy how much more awake I feel...hehe. I'm starting to wonder if all that stress and sleeplessness was to due with him, rather then me. Seems to be going in that direction.

This guy Stephen that I have had a thing for for quite a while (not in any serious way, just always thought that he was good looking, sweet etc) has asked to take me out. While being shocked, and extremly pleased, I think I want to wait a little bit. After this whole Chris thing, I dont think I'm in any emotional state to date. Even if he is gorgeous. Hehe.

I'm having a lot of trouble being with myself lately. Everytime I stop to think about where I am and where I am going I get frustrated and have to stop. I need more adventure in my life...everything I do is so safe. I feel like I am ready to break away in so many ways, but I'm not at a point in my life that allows me to do that yet. I'm tied down to school and work, and that doesn't leave much room for adventures. I'd love to travel, and I'd love to take some classes for dance and art, but I have no time. Its really quite sad.

Easter is coming! I love bunnies :)

Current Mood: mellow

Chris and I are done.

Once again, he flipped out on me for being "interested in other people" because I missed one of his calls. WHAT THE FUCK. He came over on wednesday night to stay with me, and it also happened to be our 6 month, so I made and decorated a giant cookie for him and made him a card and wrote a little poem. I was feeling down that day because work had been SUPER stressful, and I told him that when I picked him up. He said that was cool....but kept asking why I was so quiet....soooo, I kept telling him it had been a bad day but it had nothing to do with him. Didn't matter. He took the wrong way, of course. The next morning he totally ignored me, barely said anything to me, barely looked at me....I asked HIM if he was mad about something I had done, he said no...I said, are you SURE it has nothing to do with me? He said it didn't, he just needed some space. Fine. I went to work. He called later. Told me that this WAS in fact all about me and proceeded to list everything I am doing WRONG in this relationship, and finished it with "and I think you are interested in someone else".

???????????????

I lost it. I take conplete ownership of maybe jumping the gun on how mad I got so quick, but for fuck's sake. How many times have we had the SAME ARGUEMENT? How many times am i going to get accused of the SAME THING? I am so sick of the double standards in that relationship....I wasn't allowed to keep anything to myself, I wasn't allowed to ever miss a phone call from him, or forget to make on to him, I wasn't allowed to talk to any of my guys friends....but he could do all of these things without a second thought. I broke it off. I couldn't go through it again. He lost it. He called and called and called, threw names at me, threw the shit that those people had told him about me at me, everything he could to make me change my mind but I wasn't having it. So on Friday he sends me an email telling me its over, he never wants to see me again and I need to come get my stuff. I send him a message saying that I can't saturday, but I'd come sunday (because he's off saturday, and I didn't want to go there when he was there). A little later, he sends me a message asking why, then says "whatever, i'll leave it on the curb, get it when you want". I told himt hat was really immature, and he should just leave it with his mother and i'd get it sunday. He then proceeded to tell me "I'll do what i want, leave me alone you 2 timeing whore, I hope you die from your fucking eating disorder bitch".

I hope that I never see or hear from him again.

My mom and I went and got my things today...he gave everything back, all the things i'd given him, the cookie that i had made him...everything. Fine. His mom was devestated when I told her what had happened. I am concerned for him and his health...he's got some serious issues and he needs help which is why I talked to his mother about everything. She's a sweet lady, and I am thankful for her support. She told me that he loves me and that he just handle himself. She told me that anytime i need to talk I could call. That made me happy. But he's out of my life now. I dont want any further contact with him.

Sigh.

Current Mood: sad

SO I haven't written for a while. I totally notice it...I feel a lot more pent up.

I've been going through a lot lately...I know that should indicate that I should be writing more, but I couldn't bring myself to. I got some pretty crappy news from the doctor last wednesday about everything, and its been a real struggle for the past week to remain sane. Wednesday and Thursday were brutal...I had a complete nervous breakdown at work on Thursday resulting in me having to go to the hospital that evening. I dont understand why I am being given so much shit to deal with. I try so hard to be a good person with what I am given, and it feels like its never enough; for me, or for anyone else. I was so low on Wednesday that I even tried to call Zach (no answer, of course), and at that point I just gave up. Chris has been very good to me, and I thank God that he was there that whole week, but sometimes I wish that I had more then just him to rely on...more then just him to remind me that I am a good person, and that I am worth a friendship. Sigh. And this is only the begining. I may have to start going to some kind of radiation therapy within the nest few months if things keep going the way they are. God, I just need SOMETHING to look forward to.

I'm officialy looking for a new job. I have had it with Debra and her BS. There are a few opening's that look interesting...all to do with counselling, so I'm hoping that will pan out. Not all that excited about changing jobs, but I know it needs to be done. For my sanity.

School is going really well...I have 100% in the course thus far, so that is good. Hopefully I can maintain that right through...

Current Mood: depressed

This is bad. I hate feeling like this.

He's annoying me. I know its because I'mn still holding onto the bad feelings from the weekend, but I'm just so edgey with him right now. I dont want to be, but I need some space to cool off and he just wont give it to me. I keep telling him that I need a little time (like, a day...its not like i'm asking for a week or somthing) to just settle down, but he keeps calling and sending messages and telling how much he misses me and how much he needs me right now blah blah blah and its annoying me. I think I'm going to have to just shut my phone off and turn off my messanger for a while and disconnect. Its only going to get worse otherwise...things snowball if they aren't dealt with. Besides, I have so much to do for school right now I need to concentrate.

I get into these moods when i'm stressing out and tired where I just try to isolate myself from everyone and everything. I cut myself off from Darcie and my mom and hide. I know that its not a good idea, but I can't help it. I feel like I have no time to just be bymyself, which is something that I really need. All my spare time is full with Chris or school or Darcie or all of the above making plans for me, and then making me feel guilty when I want to say no. I think i'm having a hard time balancing. Sigh.

I want strawberries really bad. Haha. Just had to get that out.

Current Mood: annoyed

Another screwed up weekend. I think that I'm going to declare weekends off limits to my relationship with Chris. Maybe if we look at them like weekdays we'll actually have a good one finally. Sigh.

I really care about Chris. I do. Super much. But MAN OH MAN has he got to get the jealousy thing under control. He's been claiming that its getting much better, and he's able to let go of things and not read into everything so deeply. And in some ways i've noticed that he has made a huge leap.....but Friday night was BAD. We went out with Darcie and her sister and friends to a pub to watch the hockey game. It seemed to go pretty well...Darcie and Chris got a long, Chris and I had fun, Darcie and I had fun...but then one of the girls suggested going to the bar where chris' friends had supposedly seen me making out with a bunch of guys. I wasn't too into going because I had to get up really early the next morning for school, but Chris wanted to go so I figured if he's enjoying himself with my friends, i can make a small scarifice to finally have those two world mesh. BAD IDEA. I have a huge claustrophobia reaction when I get into crowds of people, and my friends know that and dont think much of me being a little on the quiet side and looking around me a lot. I like to know where i am in proximity to other people and where the doors and windows are...I get super anxious otherwise. I warned Chris of this and he said he understood. So when we were sitting at our table with everyone I was okay, but when Darcie and Chris wanted to go dance, I got a little edgey. A packed dance floor is not good for my anxiety. So naturally, I was nervous and constantly looking around me checking out my surroundings. Darcie didn't care, she understands what i'm doing but Chris got kind weird. He kept asking if I was okay, and I kept telling him I was alright, just nervous because of the big crowd of people. Darcie eventaully went to sit down, and I really wanted to go with her, but Chris really wanted to dance with me. I told him I didn't want to, but he wouldn't let me go sit down. So I gave in and danced. Again, i was looking around and was anxious. Chris started to get mad...he thought I was looking at other guys, claiming I was looking them 'up and down' and shit like that. I tried AGAIN to explain how I was feeling and he wouldn't listen. He kept saying 'just look at me then'. And I tried, but I get to the point of anxiousness where I can't breathe properly unless I kow whats around me. I started looking around and then looking back at him, but evertime I looked anywhere but the ground or him, he'd give me dirty looks, or turn his back on me, or make some big scene with his body language. I then resigned to looking at my shoes. I tried really hard, but so many people were bumping into me and stuff that I tried to glance around again and he grabbed my face to get me to look at him and said "look at ME". NOT cool with me. I walked away from him. He was soooooo mad at me. I left, and he came with me. He said that he was sorry, but uncomfrtable there because of what his friends had told him. UGHH. I dont know...he really embarassed me, he made me feel like I was cheap and that I didn't care enough about him. I was really really upset. On top of everything, he wouldn't let me just go. When I get that mad, I need to be alone, but he wouldn't let me. Really pissed me off. Subsequently, I spent the rest of the weekend angry. Do I have right to be mad? I mean, I know that if it made me feel like that then I do...but am I out of line? It was degrading, made me feel like his little puppy.

I care about him a lot....but sometimes I wonder if he'll ever really change. I dont deserve to be treated like that...and I know that I'm still mad about this and I might not feel so strong when I cool off, but I dont know. I just think that it says a lot.

So I work alone all week. Deb has gone to a conference up in the interior, so I'm stuck by myself here. Bleh. I'm so freaking exhausted its not even funny...the moment that I put my head down anywhere I'm out cold. I'd love to just have a few days off BY MYSELF to rest. Hehehe, I dont think that will ever happen.

Anyhoo, I'm in a really bad mood....so I'm going to go. I have lots more to write, but I'll do that later.

Current Mood: grumpy

Brrrr!! The power was out for the whole morning here, and it was SUPER cold in the office!! Thankfully, I had blankie :)

Yesterday was Zach's b day. I debated back and fourth about what to do, and finally settled on a quick happy birthday text. When he responded, I had no problem deleting it and putting the phone away. Normally, i would've continued messaging him and talking and such, but nope. No interest :) Funny how things can change just be looking at the situation a differant way.

So Chris tried his medication the other night and had a pretty bad reaction to it. His doctor said it was probably to do with his anxiety about it and told him to keep taking it. Its gotten better for him now thankfully. I notice a HUGE differance already though....i dont want to say anything to him about it or he'll start over thinking everything and such, but he's way more calm and relaxed about little things that used to really really bug him. Its good to see.... :)

Darcie emailed me and said she and her sister and a bunch of people are going out to watch the game at a pub tommorow night and told me to come (she never asks if I want to, just says 'youre coming'), but I had plans with Chris. Sooooo this may be the first time we all hang out together :) I'm a little nervous, but its got to happen sooner or later. I'm nervous because when Darcie drinks, God only knows what will come out of her mouth. And Chris is fairly senstivie to that kind of thing....if Darcie said something and he took it the wrong way, it could be disasterous. Hehe. I dont know, we'll see what happens i guess.

I'm really looking forward to getting to go home after work and just chill out. I'm always so busy at night after work with school or going to see Chris or the gym and all that kind of thing, so it'll be nice to have the night off :) I really need to clean my room and my car. Maybe i'll start. Hehe.

Current Mood: mellow

I am soooo tired.

I want to go to sleep so badly, hehe. I hardly slept at all last night because I was coughing so much. Really sucked. I had planned to go to the gym after work since i'm off early on Tuesdays, but I'm just feeling so crappy. Plus I dont think I have much lung capacity right now with all the coughing, so I think I might just go for a walk or something outside.

I want to do something nice for Chris this weekend. I want to take him on a date or something...something fun since he and I had such a crap weekend last time. I dont know what to do though...I was thinking maybe dinner downtown and maybe a hotel overnight or something like that. Just something romantic and quiet for the two of us... That way I can get dressed up and knock his socks off :) Hehe! Well, I got lots of time to look stuff up on the computer today, yay! A project! Hehe :)

My aunt and cousin go home tommorow. It will be kind of weird having them leave...it will be a lot emptier. But then again, it will be kind of nice for things to go back to normal at my house. Maybe my mum will start to go back to her normal self too. She's been so weird...impossible to talk to about anything. Shes so distracted. Probably just the stress of having them there for so long.

I'm going to see a specialist in two weeks about the illness. I'm kind of looking forwrad to it and I'm kind of scared. I dont really know what to expect...I mean, I know that they are going to try me on some new medication and stuff, but its still a little nerve-wracking. I kind of wish Chris could come with me...but he has to work. I know that if i asked him, he'd take the day off and come with me, but I dont want him to do that for me. I'm sure I can handle myself.

Anyhoo, going to start looking for date ideas :)

Current Mood: sleepy

Well, certainly NOT the good weekend I was looking forward to.

Firstly, I woke up DYING on Friday morning. My throat was on fire and my face felt like it was going to exploade and my lower stomche was in knots. I didn't go to work and went to the doc instead. Luckily, it wasn't anything to do with the illness, it turned out to be a sinus infection, a throat infection, strep and a severe bladder infection. Sexy. I spent most of the day in bed, I felt like complete garbage. I went over to see Chris later in the evening, who was super antsy and really wanted to go out. I was feeling pretty rough so I was looking for something kind of low key, but I wanted to go out. Soooo....we went bowling. Haha. During which i fainted because I was just feeling so sick. Chris took good care of me though, took me to his house and put me to bed. Saturday...ugh, saturday. When we woke up, he was a little, ahem, frisky but in my state I was in no mood to recipricate. He wasnt mad, but he was a little frustrated...and me being all sicky and emotional I took it the wrong way and got mad at him for being like that. It turned into a fight (love how it seems so stupid when you look back on it hehe) and I ended up going home. He was mad at me for most of the day, so i decided I'd hang with Darcie and rent some movies to take my mind off it. Was nice to hang with her, I wish we could see eachother more. But byt the end of the night, I felt really awful about Chris and I really missed him soooo I drove out there at 12am. When i got there I went to his window and knocked, but he wasn't home. Weird...seeing as normally he's not out very late. Hehe, so I know he leaves his window open, so i let myself in to wait for him. 3 hours later, he's still not home. By that point I was a little worried, because he's never out that late...especially when he has to work the next day. So I started looking around to see if I could figure out where he'd gone. I checked his computer and he'd left an MSN conversation open with some girl...he'd made plans to go hang out with her and some of her friends at a pub. Nice. I was a little choked, but whatever. Then I noticed that his backpack wasn't there, or his work stuff. Then I got really mad. That said to me that he planned to stay overnight. NOT cool. So I decided I'd stay there til morning because I'd taken some Nyquil and was really drowsey, and leave then. About 30min after I'd passed out Chris came home. He opened the door and saw me there and said "What the hell are you doing here?". I was stunned....he proceeded to tell me that this girl he'd gone out with lives out here, and apparently knows me and so did all of her friends and they all told him a bunch of really bad things about me. ????? He didn't know who her friends were, but they told him that in highschool I was a total slut and slept with 2 of my firend's bf's behind their back, that I dropped out of some other highschool to do a movie and ended up coming back to the school I actually went to, that I was the type of person who backstabbed her friends and that I was seen making out with a few guys at the bar the other weekend. WHAT THE FUCK. First, i was a VIRGIN in highschool, I had one boyfriend for the entire time i was in highschool and didn't sleep with him until AFTER we graduated. Second, I never went to the highschool they claim I went to, I never dropped out and I never did a movie. I was not a backstabber, rather I was extremly quiet and only had a few close friends who I am still friends with. And I did NOT kiss ANYONE at the bar, let alone 'many' guys. Fuck, I was PISSED OFF. I really want to find out who these people are... I explained to Chris, and at first it was pretty clear that he believed them, but after listening to me for a bit he decided that he trusted my word over theirs. Its clearly BS, and I think the more I told him the more he could peice it together that none of that even makes sense. I dont get it though....why would they do that? Whats the point? Obviously they knew he'd find out they were lying. ROAR. I was so mad it wasn't even funny. Thankfully, he trusted me over them...he could've easily turned his back on me....especially since he has a lot fo trust issues to begin with. That could've ruined us. I want to find out who they are...they WILL hear from me...and they have a lot of explaining to do.

Sunday was good. Hehe. Chris and I stayed up the rest of Saturday night 'making up', hehe then slept in and watched a movie in bed. I took him out to brunch, then I went and met my dad downtown for the hockey game. So yah, Sunday was the best day of the weekend by far.

Chris finally went to the doc about his anxiety today...poor chrissy...they diagnosed him with anxiety disorder and depression. Sigh. I feel terrible..I know how that feels to hear. So they have him on a medication to try...I think that will help him a lot.

So after 5 days of being pregnant, Deb is already on 'bed rest'. Yah. Okay. I knew this was the way it was going to go. So i'm here alone all day..monday's are usually pretty busy, so its kind of annoying but whatever. Not much i can do.

Bleh, I feel yucky....I wish I had brought blankie with me. Then maybe i could sleep a little hehe. I haven't been to the gym in a week...bad girl. I have manged to maintain pretty good at 128 though. I've been eating like a mad woman...I guess its just cause I'm sick, but i've been consuming a lot more then usual and not gaining so i'm pleased with that. I'm trying to cut back a little today, but my body isn't wanting to hehe. Anyhoo, I should probably find something useful to do, I'll probably write later.

Current Mood: sick

Ick!

Someone gave me a bloody cold/flu. It seems to be okayish during the day, but in the evening I feel like a pile of garbage. Last night I had to leave class early cause I felt like I was going to pass out. Sigh. Then I went ouver to Chris'...who was upset that I wasn't all cuddly and bubbly like usual. Double sigh. Man, I just wanted to go to sleep! Hehe. Oh well.

I dont have much to say...the week has been rather boring. I've just been feeling shitty and not doing much. I went to the gym a few times but decided to skip it for tonight since I'm feeling so yucky. Going to do something with Chris tommorow night, then something with Darcie on Saturday, so my weekend is full which is something to look forward to. Haha, wow, I really have nothing to say.

Current Mood: drained